What if the key to better leadership wasn’t about gaining more skills, but about listening more deeply to the voices already inside us?

Over the past year, I’ve set an intention to “go deeper” with my clients, my loved ones, and, above all, with myself. I didn’t just want to coach performance or process. I wanted to help people understand the underlying emotions and internal patterns that drive their behaviors—the quiet stories beneath the surface that often go unspoken but shape everything.

However, to support others in this way, I had to turn inward. And what I discovered surprised me.

The Parts Within Us

In a coaching session, when a client shared something deeply emotional, I would often feel a reflexive pull. Not away from them, but away from the depth. My instinct was to guide us toward something logical. Something solvable. A framework. A checklist. A next step.

It wasn’t that I didn’t care. I cared deeply. But something inside me wanted to move on—to bring order to the mess.

At first, I judged this response. Why couldn’t I just sit with discomfort?

It wasn’t until I began studying Internal Family Systems (IFS) that I understood what was happening. IFS, developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz, is a powerful model of the mind that suggests we are not a single unified self, but a system of distinct “parts,” each with its own voice, emotion, and function. These parts are not flaws. They’re protectors, managers, and sometimes exiles—developed over time to help us survive and succeed.

In my case, two parts often showed up when emotions ran high:

• The Drill Sergeant – a fierce protector, always on guard, who leaps in when things feel uncertain or overwhelming. He stands tall, barking orders to keep everything in line.
• The Back Office Manager – calm, rational, meticulous. She manages spreadsheets, lists, and plans. She brings logic when emotions feel messy.

These parts had been with me for decades. They made me effective. They helped me succeed. But they also kept me from sitting in stillness, vulnerability, and emotional truth—mine and others’.

Meeting My Inner Team

Around the same time, I came across Inner Team Dynamics, developed by Paul Wyman. This model complements IFS by encouraging us to see ourselves as the CEO of an internal boardroom. We all have inner team members: The Critic, The Pusher, The Controller, The Learner, The Playful, and so on.

Each part has a voice. Each voice has wisdom.

But problems arise when we either over-identify with one voice (like the Perfectionist or the Pleaser) or silence others we don’t want to hear (like the Vulnerable Child or the Boundaried One).

In leadership and in life, wholeness isn’t about picking a single voice. It’s about listening to the team and choosing to respond from your most grounded and centered Self.

The Moment That Changed Everything

Recently, I faced a personal decision that shook me to my core. It involved someone I love deeply. It was a situation filled with fear, uncertainty, and heartbreak—one that couldn’t be solved with a list or a plan.

One morning, I sat in my car outside the gym at 5:30 a.m., frozen in place. I couldn’t decide what to do. My logical mind had run out of solutions. Through tears, I screamed: “I don’t know how to do this.”

And then, to my surprise, I heard it:
“That’s why I’m here,” said the Drill Sergeant—clear, grounded, and calm.
“I take the big emotions that feel too overwhelming and hold them for you. I give you the strength to do what needs to be done.”

At that moment, I didn’t feel guarded. I felt supported. I didn’t push the Drill Sergeant away. I thanked him. And when I did, something shifted. The Back Office Manager didn’t need to step in with a plan. The room inside me got quiet. I was able to respond, not react.

That moment changed the way I lead and coach now. Not by silencing my parts. But by listening to them with curiosity and compassion.

Why This Matters in Leadership

Whether we realize it or not, our inner team is always active. And in high-stakes moments—such as difficult conversations, big decisions, or team conflict—it’s often our protective parts that take the lead.

Understanding your internal system helps you:

• Respond instead of react.

• Lead from a place of clarity and calm, rather than fear or control.

• Create space for others to be seen and heard—because you’ve done that for yourself first.

When we build relationships with our internal team, we create more room for empathy, authenticity, and leadership that truly connects.

Try This: A Parts Work Reflection

Take a moment today to notice your inner team:

• Who tends to take the lead when things get hard?

• What is that part trying to protect you from?

• What would happen if you thanked it instead of pushing it away?

You don’t need to silence your parts. You just need to listen.

Because the truth is, we lead best when we lead from within.

If you are interested in learning more about your Parts and Inner Team, please reach out for a Discovery Session.