At almost every retreat I’ve led, there’s a moment when someone quietly confides,
“I almost didn’t come. It just felt so selfish to be here.”
As women, we’ve been conditioned to believe that caring for ourselves means ignoring the needs of others. We’re taught that to be valued, we must constantly be there for our partners, our kids, our parents, our colleagues.
And while I’m sure men experience this too, for women, it often feels like an epidemic.
I spend my days helping clients unpack and honor what’s truly important to them. In some ways, you could say I promote selfishness. But it pains me every time I hear someone say,
“I can’t do [insert dream or need here] because it would be selfish.”
So I’ll ask you the same question I ask my clients:
If you acknowledge and honor your own needs, does that automatically mean you’re ignoring everyone else’s?
I don’t think so. I believe our needs and others’ needs can coexist. But even I sometimes forget that.
When I Needed My Own Pause
This past summer, in conversations with my therapist, it became clear that I was burnt out. Not from work, but from caregiving. When she asked what I wanted for the rest of the summer, I said,
“Honestly, I just want to go to sleep until it’s over.”
Deep down, I knew what I needed wasn’t a nap or a weekend getaway. I needed solitude. A quiet place to rest, reflect, and reconnect with myself.
After some hesitation (and a few mental gymnastics over cost and timing), I booked a weeklong retreat in Baja, Mexico.
As the trip approached, the guilt crept in:
Who will manage everything while I’m gone?
What if something slips through the cracks?
You’re being selfish.
But another voice—the quieter, wiser one—whispered back:
If you don’t go, you’re going to crack. And then what good will you be to anyone?
So I went.
And it was glorious.
The ocean air, the sun, the food, the stillness, all worked their magic. For the first time in months, I exhaled. I reconnected with myself, examined patterns that no longer served me, and remembered what it feels like to be me again.
And here’s the truth:
By caring for myself, I came home more grounded, patient, and whole. I didn’t come back less for others. I came back more.
The Reframe
“I can’t do that because it’s selfish” is often just a socially acceptable way of saying, “I don’t believe I’m allowed to meet my own needs.”
But taking care of yourself isn’t selfish, it’s essential.
When you fill your own cup, everyone around you benefits.
So the next time guilt whispers that you’re being selfish for taking time for yourself, try these simple reframes:
3 Ways to Overcome the “Selfish” Feeling
- Redefine the word: Replace “selfish” with “self-honoring.” Taking care of yourself is not about neglecting others; it’s about honoring your energy, capacity, and humanity so you can show up more fully.
- Start small: You don’t need a plane ticket to practice self-care. Try carving out a morning just for you, turning off notifications, or saying no to one thing that drains you. Micro-pauses can lead to major shifts.
- Remember the ripple: When you’re well-rested, connected, and fulfilled, you impact others differently. Your calm becomes contagious. Your joy becomes permission for others to find their own.
So, what’s one thing you’ve been telling yourself is “too selfish” to do?
Maybe it’s a solo walk, a creative class, or a weekend retreat.
Whatever it is, pause the guilt, and say yes.
Because when you care for yourself, you don’t take away from others, you expand what’s possible for everyone.
This is The Power of the Pause.